It’s hard to believe, but it’s been almost two years since I’ve written anything for public view.
I could feed everyone a bullshit line about not having anything to say, but the truth is, I actually did have a lot to say. I just felt uncomfortable saying it.
Feelings are hard, and when you’re someone like me who has spent their lifetime doing everything in their power not to feel, they’re even harder. I think I made the decision to go quiet and not write anymore because it was difficult for me to admit that I am actually an emotional being.
I’ve worked hard to recognize that I tend to minimize my feelings or my trauma because I don’t think I deserve to feel them. I often try to talk myself out of my emotions because I always think that someone has it worse, and the truth is, someone does have it worse. In fact, many people have it worse, but I am learning that this doesn’t make my emotions or experiences any less valid or worthy of recognition.
It is without question that for me, the last few years have been some of my most difficult. For a woman who found and defined herself through running and doing hard things, I found myself feeling like a ghost of the person I worked so hard to build.
In the thick of that difficulty, all I wanted to do was find my way back to her. At least I thought I did. For the longest time, I felt like I was fighting relentlessly to get back to her, but what I didn’t realize was that I was never going to find her because I was being pushed to outgrow her.
It’s taken me a long time and a lot of work to realize that those struggles were shaping me into the stronger, more resilient, and more self-understood version of her.
Make no mistake, I still grapple with my emotions regularly, but I am continuously learning that they are my strength and not my weakness. I am learning that my adversities are my greatest teachers. Instead of acting as my limitations, they are actually showing me what I am capable of. For that, I am beyond grateful because they have shaped the woman I am and am becoming.
I may not have found my way back to the woman I was, but I did find my way back to writing, which has always been an outlet for me to process my emotions. So, here I am, starting off fresh. I hope you’ll join me as I share my words.